


lovely

by nighting_gale17



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Gunshot Wounds, Injured Buck, Love Confessions, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Worried Eddie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-18 00:48:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16984965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nighting_gale17/pseuds/nighting_gale17
Summary: When Buck tried to help the crazy lady down from the highway sign, he wasn't expecting her to pull out a gun.He definitely wasn't expecting to get shot.





	1. Tragedy

**Author's Note:**

> I highly recommend listening to "Sad Song" by We The Kings and "lovely" by Billie Eilish ft. Khalid while reading this, I listened to both those songs on repeat while I wrote this.
> 
> Hope y'all enjoy this! And by enjoy I mean cry
> 
> This one's for the discord, couldn't have written this without your support and wonderful ideas.
> 
> May or may not be a sequel, what do you guys think?

Bullets weren’t actually silver.

They were more of a dark grey due to the lead, though, Buck had to admit the one that came shooting out of the gun and into his chest did look pretty silver with the sun glinting off of it. A sharp jerk on his harness when the bullet went off was the only thing that kept it from hitting his head and instead of striking him in the chest.

He staggered back with the force of the bullet, an involuntary shout ripping from his throat. He tumbled off the ledge and the harness tight around him was the only thing that kept him from hitting the ground.

Buck gasped for as he was quickly pulled back up onto the overpass, screams, and shouts of panic and fear echoing in his ears. He scrunched up his face in pain as he desperately tried to force his arm to move because he needed to slow the bleeding, damnit, but his arm felt like it weighed twenty pounds and he was finding breathing to be a difficult challenge. Every breath was harder and harder to make as agonizing pain blossomed across his chest.

Some mixture of a cry and sob left his mouth as he was pulled over the railing and roughly set on the ground. He was struggling to breathe at this point as the paramedics began to swarm him. Someone pressed down roughly on his chest where the bullet wound was, dragging another scream of pain from Buck’s lips and he weakly raised his hand to try and bat it away because damn that hurt when he vaguely felt someone grab onto it tightly.

Buck slowly opened his eyes to see Eddie kneeling over him, his eyes wild and panicked, his mouth moving at a mile a minute but Buck couldn’t make out a single word over the rushing waterfall noise in his ears. He kept watching, forcing himself to study the words Eddie was forming to try and distract himself from the pain.

“—athe! Breathe, Buck!” Eddie’s voice finally cut through him like ice.

Oh. He wasn’t breathing. Maybe that’s why the pain seemed to lessen.

He should probably breathe though, that’s important.

Right?

Yes. Breathe, Buck, breathe!

Buck opened his mouth and sucked in a lung full of air, breaking into harsh coughs as he exhaled.

Eddie let out a shout of relief and the hold on his hand tightened. “That’s it, Buck, just keep breathing, just like that.”

“Hurts.” Buck whimpered, wincing as he swallowed the bitter taste of coppery blood in his mouth. Every time he took a breath it felt like his lungs were burning. There didn't seem to be enough air in the world at the moment.

“I know, I know, buddy, but you gotta keep breathing through. The ambulance is almost here.” Eddie reassured him shakily.

“Am I going to die?” he rasped, his gaze involuntarily wandering down to where another paramedic was applying pressure against his wound. Eddie suddenly grabbed his chin before he could look though, firmly forcing his gaze back up to him.

“No, no you’re not going to die, Buck,” Eddie said thickly. “You’re going to be just fine and sharing more of your ridiculous stories with Christopher in no time.”

Buck watched as a tear fell down Eddie’s cheek and he squeezed Eddie’s hand with what little strength he had left. “‘M sorry.” he rasped. Eddie's reply was lost to the chaos of the scene around them as his eyes drifted shut, the anchor of his exhaustion pulling him deep into the depths of unconsciousness.

His only regret was he didn’t get to tell Christopher goodbye.

 

xxx

 

“No. No, no, no, Buck, wake up!” Eddie’s heart felt like it was going to eat out of his chest and the tears that had been welling in his eyes were starting to slowly fall down his cheeks. “Where is that damned ambulance?” he yelled, lifting his head to glare around at the other paramedics.

“One minute out. Traffic through the danger was down below, not up here.” The paramedic across from hm answered, taking a moment to switch with his partner for a fresh cloth to press against Buck’s gunshot wound.

Eddie cursed under his breath, his eyes trained on the soft rise and fall of Buck’s chest and the tight grip he kept of Buck’s slackened hand. The blood—oh. God, so much blood—was everywhere, covering Eddie’s hands, across Buck’s face from where he was coughing it up.

He could have sworn he heard the high shrill of rockets in the distance, but that didn’t matter right now. Right now they needed to get Buck out of here, out of the firefight, out of harm's way.

The ambulance finally arrived, a beautiful chaos of loud sirens and screeching tires. It took no time at all for them to get Buck on the ambulance and Eddie knew he couldn’t go with him, there wasn’t enough room and he needed to stay and help the others but—

Damnit if it didn’t pull at his heartstrings to watch those ambulance doors close without him inside of it.

Eddie watched the ambulance go, his heart racing in his chest. This was wrong. Wr, wrong, wrong—every instinct in his body was screaming at him to be by Buck’s side. He was the medic here but—he squeezed his eyes shut, his hands clenching into fists through his blood-covered gloves. No, there were more soldiers here that needed his help. He needed to stay here, help the others.

Bullets whistled in his ear and he flinched, his heart jumping into his throat as someone’s hand landed on his shoulder and he turned to see Bobby—no, that was his Captain and—

Eddie’s eyes widened as he saw the approaching missile heading towards them.

“Cap, incoming!”

He grabbed Cap by the shoulders, flinging both of them to the side behind the cover of a large rock in this godforsaken desert. “There’s another element coming our way, Cap, but I need to those other men!” he yelled.

“Eddie, Eddie snap out of it!” Cap yelled at him, his face grim and dust-covered but his—something was wrong with his eyes and his voice wasn’t right, it wasn’t deep enough. “Eddie!”

Cap never called him Eddie.

But there wasn’t time to think about that. The element was getting closer and they needed to take it out now, or there was no way Eddie was going to be able to get to the rest of the soldiers in time and he’d be damned if he let another soldier die on his watch. “Cap, we gotta move!” he yelled.

“Eddie!” Cap was shaking his shoulders, his blue eyes concerned for—

Blue eyes.

Cap didn’t have blue eyes. It was one thing Eddie and the other men always teased him about, how pretty his hazel eyes were.

“Eddie!”

But Bobby did.

Eddie flinched backward with a gasp, his back hitting something hard as he took in Bobby kneeling in front of him. He looked concerned, and Hen and Chimney were standing behind him with equal expressions on their faces. “W-What—”

“Hey, you’re okay. You back with us?” Bobby asked gently, his hands held out in front of him but carefully poised as if he was ready to catch Eddie in case he fell or tried to move again. Like a feral animal. 

“Yeah. Yeah.” Eddie forced himself to exhale slowly and he shakily got to his feet with Bobby’s help. He had to close his eyes as he was hit with a sudden wave of lightheadedness until it passed. “I’m sorry I…” he trailed off as he opened his eyes, avoiding looking at anyone. “I don’t know where I was for a second.” he took a deep breath and stared down at his gloves—still soaked in Buck’s blood. “Buck, he—we think the bullet punctured his lung. It didn’t look good. He was still breathing but he was in and out.”

He didn’t move as gentle hands carefully removed his gloves, discarding them in a biohazard bag. “Eddie.” Hen murmured his name, something in her voice automatically making him look up. She was staring at him something akin to sympathy and concern, jerking her head towards the firetruck. “Let’s go. Cap wants us at the hospital while he contacts Maddie to let her know what happened.”

“He does?” Eddie asked, blinking in surprise when he realized Bobby was no longer standing in front of him. When had he left?

“Come on, Chimney’s already at the truck waiting for us.” Hen was being surprisingly gentle like he was fragile, would break at any moment and—honestly, that wasn’t too far off from what he was feeling if he was being completely honest with himself. Wait. Chimney had already left too? How long had he zoned out for?

He followed her through the crowd of people, trying to shake himself out of whatever stupor he fell into. This was stupid. Why was he acting like this? He’s seen people get shot dozens of times, been the first one to treat them even more than that. He’s been in war-torn countries, combat zones, seen things most people will never see. He’s never had trouble overseas.

So what happened?

As he climbed into the truck behind Hen, Chimney’s voice rang in his ears the moment he put the headset on. “Hey man, you alright back there?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine,” Eddie replied, raising his voice to be heard over the sirens. 

Hen stared at him with a slight frown on her face, her voice soft as she talked. “Eddie… are you sure—”

“I’m fine!” Eddie snapped, a sudden wave of irritation building in his chest. “Buck who we need to be worried about right now, not me. I’m fine. I’m fine.” he repeated again to himself as he stared out the window of the firetruck, wishing he could believe it. “I’m fine.”

He clenched his hands into fists to hide the shakiness.

 

xxx

 

“When will he wake up, Daddy?”

“I don’t know, bud. I don't know.”

 

xxx

 

Wakefulness came slowly to Buck, the effort to open his eyes was almost too much, But there was something in this person’s voice, the complete desperation, hopelessness, that pulled at Buck’s chest and gave him the strength to push through the exhaustion.

It was slow. He weakly closed his stiff fingers around the hand wrapped so tightly around his, ignoring the uncomfortable strain of the unused muscles. It was nothing more than a twitch at first, slowly getting stronger as he rubbed his thumb across the back of the hand. There was a sharp intake of breath at the movement and Buck’s eyes slowly fluttered open, despite feeling like someone tried to sew them shut.

The room was dark, and the first thing his eyes focused on was the shaky hand holding his own. The rough callouses, the strong hands, the thick veins— Buck’s eyes flicked up at Eddie’s face so vaguely outlined by the dim light of the room. He was—confused, at first.

The pain originating from his chest and spreading through his body made it hard to think, his throat felt like he tried to swallow sandpaper, and he couldn’t believe he wasn’t dead. But all that was replaced by something warm and tender settling in his heart as he gazed up at Eddie, who clasped Buck’s hand with his other hand and gently rested his chin against them, a teary smile forming on his face.

“You’re here.” he rasped, unable to hide the disbelief he was feeling. Eddie’s eyes were glassy and red like he had been crying. Over Buck?

Eddie inhaled shakily, hesitating for a second like he was debating over something before suddenly surged forward, ever gentle as his hands rose to cup Buck’s face and he pressed his lips against him.

It was soft and brief, a simple press of lips before Eddie pulled back, looking so unsure of himself Buck couldn’t help but sit up slightly and put his hands around Eddie’s neck, bringing him down for another kiss. This one was much better, making Buck’s toes curl and his eyes closed with pleasure. He ran a hand through Eddie’s curls (and oh, he loved it when they weren’t styled with gel) before he had to lay back, already exhausted but feeling sated and content.

“Mmm… if getting shot was all I had to do to get you to kiss me, maybe I should’ve done it sooner.”

Unfortunately, Eddie did not huff out a laugh like was anticipating.

“I thought you were going to die.” Eddie’s voice trembled and when Buck opened his eyes, Eddie’s were closed and tears were slowly dripping down his cheeks, following the once-dried tracks still visible. “The doctors said the bullet punctured your lung and then you had complications during surgery. They weren’t sure you were going to wake up.” his voice hitched on the last word and he pressed his forehead against Buck’s, their noses brushing slightly. “You’ve been asleep for a week.”

“Hey, hey, look at me.” Buck slid his hand down Eddie’s neck and gently used his thumb to brush away the tears on his cheek. “I’m awake. I’m alright. You saved my life, Eddie Diaz. Besides, you know me, I’m too stubborn to give up that easily. Besides, who’d be here to give you shit if I left?”

That managed to get Eddie to at least crack a small smile and he sniffed, raising his hand to cover Buck’s hand. “I don’t know what I would do if you were gone,” he admitted quietly.

“So… that wasn’t some life-or-death kiss, spur of the moment type thing?” Buck questioned uncertainly, because yeah, he was getting all the right signals, but also, Eddie was his best friend and this was definitely not something that he wanted to fuck up by making the wrong assumption. Going a step further with Eddie was something he’d been thinking about in the past few weeks, yeah, but he respected Eddie’s cautious aprons to dating due to his son, so he kept his distance. Being his friend was more than enough.

But, since Eddie kissed him… Maybe there was an opportunity he’d previously been blind to.

The other man was silent for a few moments before he slowly shook his head. “No, I mean, yes, but—” he sighed in frustration, leaning backward so he was once again sitting on the edge of Buck’s bed and looking down at him.

Buck waited patiently, focusing on breathing through the ache that seemed to be growing in his chest. It was fine. He was fine. _He could wait for Eddie_ , he thought, rubbing his thumb against the back fo Eddie’s hand. _He could wait however long Eddie needed him to_.

“I didn't plan on the kiss just now,” he admitted, glancing up to meet Buck’s eyes. “But I have been trying to gather up the nerve to ask you out,” he said the last part in a rush, looking way too nervous in Buck’s opinion.

Despite that, Buck couldn’t help the grin that slowly spread across his face. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Eddie breathed out a small chuckle. “It was, uh, Christopher, actually, that first said something. A few weeks ago. Carla was the one encouraging me once she heard that. They’re both very… persistent.”

A laugh bubbled up in Buck’s chest and he had to press his lips together to keep from letting it out and aggravating his chest wound. “I can imagine.” he murmured after the feeling passed, a blossoming warmth taking its place. “Christopher told you, though? That you should ask me out?”

A soft blush dusted across Eddie’s cheeks. “Well, he actually asked if you could, uh, stay at our house all the time. Without leaving.”

Buck smiled, his toes curling in pleasure at the thought. Christopher meant everything to Eddie, and the fact that he had Christopher’s approval, practically, to date Eddie, was the best news Buck had gotten in years. “So…” he asked after a few moments of comforting silence, breathing through the ache that periodically flared up in his chest. “You’re totally going to take me out once I’m out of this hospital bed, right?”

That at least startled a half laugh out of Eddie, much to Buck’s smug satisfaction. “Yeah, straight to your bed.” he retorted, though he seemed to regret the words as soon as they came out of his mouth, Buck was already on a roll.

“Wow, straight to bed, Diaz? A kiss and in a bed and we haven’t even been out on a date yet.” he teased, enjoying the rosy hue on Eddie’s cheeks that seemed to grow darker as the other man huffed and rolled his eyes.

“Whatever,” he muttered. “You know what I mean. You’re going to be recovering for quite a few weeks before you’ll be fit to go anywhere. Christopher’s already volunteered to look after you and Carla’s agreed too. Ever the charmer.” Eddie murmured fondly.

Buck felt a little light-headed when Eddie finished speaking, and he wasn’t sure how much of it had to do with the fact like he could feel the exhaustion pulling at his bones or the fact that apparently, he was staying with the Diaz's’ during recovery.

He opened his mouth to respond only to choke back a cry of anguish as excruciating pain rocketed through his chest. The machines next to him began to go crazy and Buck’s grip became vice-like on Eddie’s hand as the pain continued to throb through his chest, echoing in time to the rapid beating of his heart.

He could vaguely hear Eddie’s voice on the edges of his consciousness but trying to think through the pain was too difficult. He tried to be strong, knew Eddie and Maddie and Christopher would want him to be strong but—

Buck wasn’t sure if he was sobbing or screaming any longer but something pricked his arm and it was like ice through his veins, spreading through his arm, down his chest, down to the tips of his feet.  Blearily, he managed to open his eyes, his head lolling limply to the side as someone placed an oxygen mask over his face. They were moving now, speeding through a hallway, but Buck’s eyes were focused on Eddie’s unwavering presence. 

Even now, he ran beside the cot through the hallway, his hand still gripped tightly in Bucks. His mouth was moving but even though Buck couldn’t hear what he was saying, he felt safe, knowing Eddie was still there.

He slipped easily into unconsciousness, comforted with the fact that Eddie was there. He would be fine.

 

xxx

 

The pain had lessened when he woke the second time, this time waking to the soft chatter of several different voices in the room. He felt exhausted like he had just run a marathon. His throat felt raw, his eyes felt glued shut, and he was pretty sure only one of his lungs were working with how much effort it took to take a breath. But there was a warm hand in his own that provided its own kind of relief and the soft chatter in the room felt a like a balm to all his aches.

He pretended to still be asleep, reveling at the moment. He remembered wishing for this when he was little, having such a great big family surrounding him whenever he was in the hospital so he would never have to be alone. He hated being alone.

Slowly, Buck managed to get his eyes to open, fighting the lingering exhaustion to see everyone in the room. he had to blink a few times to get his vision to clear and he felt a small smile spread across his face at the scene in front of him. 

Christopher must be acting something out with Chimney and Bobby’s assistance as everyone else watched with rapt attention. Athena, Hen, and Carla watched from a line of chairs near the doorway. Maddie was sitting to his left, holding his hand tightly in her own but even she was smiling at the little play Christopher was putting on. 

Buck let his head fall to his right, warmth blossoming through his chest. Eddie was still there, holding his hand, just like Buck knew he would be. He looked tired, but content.

His tongue felt too heavy to try and move, his throat so raw he knew talking would hurt, so he twitched his finger’s in Eddie’s hand in an attempt to get his attention, too weak to do much more than that.

Eddie’s entire posture tensed and he inhaled sharply. whipping his head around to Buck. Pure relief swept over his face and he smiled down at Buck tenderly. “Gracias a Dios, estás despierto.” he murmured, raising his other hand to brush his thumb across Buck’s cheek.

Buck leaned into the touch and closed his eyes, not realizing how hot he felt until Eddie’s cool hand rested against his cheek. He mourned the loss when it fell away, reluctantly opening his eyes again. There was something soft in Eddie’s eyes but he forced himself to look away and turn his head to the side when he felt Maddie squeeze his other hand tightly.

“Hey. You scared us, little brother.” Maddie said, her voice wobbly as tears welled in her eyes.

Buck frowned a little and opened his mouth to try and comfort her, but was stopped by Athena’s voice before he could even try. “Uh-uh, don't even try it, lover boy. They had to shove a breathing tube down your throat, so you aren’t allowed to talk until your throat is healed.”

Frustration brewed through him, but Athena’s explanation made sense as to why his throat hurt so much.

“Everyone’s been waiting for you to wake up.” Maddie sniffed, smiling weakly when Chimney walked over and squeezed her shoulder comfortingly. “We, uh, we made sure you weren’t alone. I know how much you hate that.”

Buck squeezed her hand as tightly as he could to express his gratitude, feeling overwhelmed with love and support as he glanced around at everyone. His eyes landed on Christopher, now standing uncertainty by his dad’s side and Buck smiled weakly at him, hoping it was reassuring, though he’s sure it came out more like a grimace. 

“Daddy said you wouldn’t be able to talk when you woke up, but that you could answer yes or no questions,” Christopher said softly like he was afraid of talking too loud and disturbing Buck.

Buck slowly nodded, an encouraging smile spreading across his face.

“Are you going to be okay?”

His voice was so small, Buck’s heart almost broke. He nodded comfortingly, weakly removing his grip from Eddie’s hand and letting it fall over Christopher’s smaller one.

A shy smile broke out on Christopher’s face at that. “Good.” A mischievous twinkle then suddenly appeared on his eyes. “Are you going to kiss Daddy again?”

If Buck had had enough energy to laugh, he would have laughed until he was wheezing. Eddie’s face flushed red and he hissed, “Christopher!” but Buck’s smile just widened and he nodded again, giving Eddie a small wink.

Hey, he may be out of commission for the moment, but he isn’t dead.

“HA! Pay up, losers! Mama gets the bank again!” Hen’s shout made Buck’s eyes flick over to her in surprise. She was grinning smugly, holding out her hands expectantly as everyone around them started grumbling and complaining, shoving crumbled dollar bills in her hands.

“Did you have another bet going, Hen?” Eddie asked, chuckling despite the red hue on his cheeks.

“I told them y'all would’ve sorted your shit out already.” Hen hummed contently, counting through the bills in her hands with smug glee.

Bobby shrugged, looking unapologetic. “I didn’t think it was going to happen until Christmas.”

“To give you guys some credit, I thought it was going to happen before he got discharged,” Athena added, her voice laced with amusement.

“Should be my money,” Maddie grumbled to his left, looking hilariously disgruntled and giving Hen an impressive side-eye.

“You’re his sister, you guys talk about everything so you’re disqualified.” Hen said easily, making Buck suspect this wasn't the first time they had this conversation.

At this point, Maddie and Hen started arguing back and forth about who rightfully deserved the money from the betting pool and Buck couldn’t hold back the small chuckle that had been building up in his throat. 

Unfortunately for him, he too late realized this was probably the worst idea he could have possibly had because once he started, he began to grow alarmed because he couldn’t stop. The coughs just grew stronger as the pain started to flare in his chest and it felt like he couldn’t take a full breath.

He lurched forward, reaching forward and clutching the bed sheets around his knees as he gasped lungfuls of air, not understanding why it wasn't going in his lungs. Buck wheezed out more coughs, hands scrambling for some kind of additional purchase to grab onto. He gasped hysterically, desperately trying to breathe because this couldn’t be happening again he was choking and choking he couldn’t breathe he wasgoingto _dieagain—_

Rough hands abruptly grabbed his face and suddenly there was just Eddie. Eddie’s face in front of his, his lips pressed harshly against his own, freezing his entire body in surprise.

Suddenly Buck could breathe again. His chest was on fire, he was just becoming aware of the tears rolling down his face, but he could breathe again. He stared at Eddie in confusion, his brain too muddled to try and make any sense of what just happened.

Eddie gently guided him back so he was leaning up against his cot again. “You okay now?”

Buck furrowed his eyebrows as he breathed in deeply, slowly nodding his head. He glanced around the room and frowned slightly when he noticed how empty it was. Carla, Athena, Chimney, Hen, and Christopher were gone, leaving only Eddie, Maddie, and Bobby in the room. They were all staring at him with identical looks of concern, though Maddie’s complexion seemed a little paler than before.

“You need to get some rest, Buck,” Bobby said, concern lacing his voice. 

Buck raised his hand to his throat questioningly.

“No, you weren’t choking again,” Bobby reassured him, glancing over at Eddie who took over.

“You had a panic attack.” Eddie murmured, rubbing his hand gently along Buck’s arm. “I stopped it before it got too out of control, but Bobby’s right, you need to rest. We’re not going anywhere. You can talk to us when you’re feeling stronger.”

“We’ll be right here, little brother.” Maddie murmured.

Buck wanted to protest, feeling guilty that everyone had to leave because of him, but he could feel the exhaustion pulling on him like an anchor tied to his consciousness, sinking deeper and deeper into the never-ending depths. He gripped Eddie’s hand tightly as he nodded and closed his eyes, reluctantly doing what he was told for once.

He drifted off to brush of lips across his forehead and a spanish lullaby ringing in his ears.


	2. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four weeks later, Buck is recovering in the Diaz household. Some nights are more peaceful than others as old haunts terrorize Buck's mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next installment, at your guys' request! I'm so glad everyone seemed to enjoy the first part. This will probably be it for the story so I hope you guys enjoy this one as well. Though, I might decide to show Buck recovery with some domestic Eddie and Christopher content + team. Thoughts?

A swirl of memories smothered him in the depths of darkness. They pressed down on the edge of his consciousness, always there, ever present, They were there now. His head jerked from side to side, desperate to find what was chasing him because—yes, chasing, he was running, but not fast enough. He’d been running for hours and the exhaustion was catching up with him, **_he_** was catching up with him.

Disjointed mumblings and whispers of threats from days gone by echo in his ear but the threat they bring feels as real as the day they were spoken. The oxygen disappears from his lungs and he is stopped in his tracks. His hands come up to his chest and drop away crimson.

Terror shot through his veins like ice, freezing him into place as he tried to piece together where he was. Everything was fuzzy, jumbled and merging together in ways that didn’t belong. Suddenly there was a face in front of his, rage so clearly defined on is face Buck could feel the phantom cane being raised in front of him. He was more terrifying than the devil himself could ever hope to be in Buck’s eyes.

**_“You’ll never measure up to her.”_ **

The thick snarled words hit him like a slap in the face and now she was there. That woman. But her face was—wrong. Blank. No distinguishable features as all Buck could focus on was the gun pointed straight at him.

No.

Not at him.

He knew without knowing where the gun was pointed and a scream escaped his throat—raw and primal, full of horror. His body seemed to fly as he tackled the woman—

The scream was stuck in his throat when he woke, his eyes flying open as adrenaline pumped through his body, the last vestiges of terror still swirling in his foggy mind. He clawed at the blankets wrapped around him, tears pouring down his cheeks as he fought to regain his breath, regain control of his body and his mind.

The breaths seemed to not come fast enough, which did little to quell the rising panic in his chest. It just made him more desperate, his hitched breaths mingled with the sobs he couldn’t control. Fuck, why could he never breathe? He couldn’t in the hospital, with Abby, with—

“Breath, baby, breathe.”

Eddie’s soft, calm voice broke through his panic like water quenching fire. He forced himself to focus—on Eddie’s quiet voice, his musky smell beside him, the cotton of the sheets beneath him.

It seemed like hours though it could have been mere minutes before Buck become aware of himself again. His chest ached a deep ache that spread to his toes and rattled with every breath he took. His back was pressed up against the hard headboard behind him, his legs were tangled in the sheets and his hands had a death grip on the sheets he was lying under.

With every slow exhale of breath, he forced his body to relax, opening his eyes only to feel guilty and immediately regret the action.

Eddie sat on the bed next to him. He was the picture of a caring boyfriend, eyes alert with concern and worry for him but Buck could see the the tired lines on his face, making the guilt sit heavily in his gut. It wasn’t fair to Eddie that Buck kept doing this.Almost four weeks spent recovering. Why couldn’t he just sleep, like a normal person?

“I’m sorry—” he tried to start but Eddie quickly shushed him.

He seemed hesitant, his hand hovering over Buck’s shoulder, close enough to feel the warmth but not touching. “Can I touch you? When I tried to touch you earlier to wake you up you… didn’t react well.” Eddie explained cautiously.

Buck frowned slightly but nodded his consent. He let himself lean into Eddie’s arms, savoring the warmth and safety he felt leaning against Eddie’s chest with his arms wrapped tight around his body. His hands were still shaking as Eddie threaded their fingers together, humming a soft Spanish lullaby that Buck was becoming very familiar with.

The light rumble of Eddie’s chest as he hummed was soothing and Buck could feel himself relaxing as the minutes ticked by. “I’m sorry.” he eventually murmured, tracing the back of Eddie’s hand with his finger absently.

Eddie pressed a soft kiss against Buck’s neck. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked softly.

 _Not really_ , Buck thought, but then again, he’s said that every single night for the almost four weeks. Three weeks. He didn't know anymore. “I’m not sure why they’re back.” he murmured, taking Eddie’s hand in his and bringing it up to rest over his heart—careful not to touch his wound. “I haven’t had dreams like these in—years.”

“Sometimes new trauma drags the old back up with it.” Eddie smoothed his free hand one Buck’s hair. “Some guys struggled coming back home more than others because of it. There’s no shame in talking about it—it does help.”

“No, I know it helps. I dated a therapist. Sort of. I just—” he fumbled with his words for a moment, searching for a way to explain. In the end, he slowly guided Eddie’s hand to rest above his heart and let out a slow breath. Talking would help distract from the ache in his chest that wasn’t entirely physical.

“When I was younger,” he began, his voice quiet among the stillness of the dark room, “my sister eloped with her boyfriend. She was eighteen, just graduated high school and wanted to be a nurse. My parents disagreed. They wanted her to be a doctor and refused to help fund her education unless she followed that path. After that fight, she was gone the next night. I was eleven.” his voice lowered, mind full of conflicting emotions.

“Are you angry with her?” Eddie asked, continuing to thread his hand through Buck’s curls.

“I was. I guess I still am, in a way.” Buck admitted, his hand tightening around Eddie’s. “But it was a long time ago. We’ve moved past it. It’s just… home became a lot harder after she left.”

Eddie trailed his fingers down Buck’s neck and across his side, coming to a rest along raised sir tissue that extended from his ribcage to his hip. The question was unasked, but it was there in the silence.

“It didn’t happened often.” Buck murmured. “But with my sister out of the picture, I was left to carry the weight of the family. My mother… she was well respected within our home town. A hot shot lawyer and my father was the pastor of our church. It was a scandal when my sister left and suddenly all the pressure to be perfect that had been on my sister’s shoulders fell onto mine. Nothing I ever did seemed to be good enough.” a shiver crawled up Buck’s spine as phantom shouts echoed in his ears. “I tried. I tried so hard.” his voice cracked and Buck closed his eyes to stop the tears from falling, pressing him lips into a thin line.

“Hey, it’s okay, babe.” Eddie shushed him softly, his arms tightening around Buck’s body just enough to release then tension Buck didn’t realize was there. He kissed his temple softly, murmuring, “You’re here, now. You’re more than enough, and they’re fools for not realizing it.”

Tears fell from Buck eyes then at the overwhelming wave of emotion that overcame him at the words. Love, gratefulness, doubt, happiness. A swirling cloud of emotions that he had no hope of trying to distinguish from each other. He shifted to press his cheek against Eddie’s neck, sighing at the feeling of lips pressing down on his forehead. It wasn’t hard to find the strength to keep going with Eddie there. “High school was manageable but my parents wanted me to go to school and become a doctor. I was afraid of what they did to my sister they would do to me so I went along with it. But I just couldn’t… It was too cold. Too removed. I wanted to be there rescuing them, I wanted to do more than just wait in a hospital until they showed up.”

Buck remembered the day he made his decision so vividly. “Eliza… I’d been with her for years. We’d almost reached our four year anniversary.” It still hurt to think about her. Her shining blue eyes and her kind smile. “She was the only good thing that came from my parents. They introduced us during a gala and… I loved her. She was the only thing that got me through those years without Maddie. She despised the way my parents treated me. I don’t know if I would be here if it wasn’t for her.”

“It seems like I should be thanking her, then. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have you.” Eddie murmured.

“You wouldn’t. She’s the reason I decided to become a firefighter.” Their talk had progressed from the reason of his nightmares, but Buck couldn’t find it in himself to stop. Eddie should know what he was walking into. The mess he was trying to love.

“It was in October. We were at a friends house party up on the third floor. We were having fun and then suddenly it was like the entire house went ablaze.” He could still feel the heat from the flames licking his arms. “W-We tried to get out.” Buck’s voice hitched and his eyes burned with tears. “But the fire was too big, too hot, and it was moving too fast. It started falling apart and one of the beams fell and—she didn’t make it.” he took a shaky breathe, his mouth curling into a watery smile as Eddie’s thumb gently brushed across his cheeks. “But those firefighters… they did so much. I would have died in that fire along side her if it hadn’t been for them. So after that… I packed up everything I owned and moved to LA.”

Eddie’s hand seemed to freeze. “Mi amor…” his voice was thick with emotion when he spoke, though Buck couldn’t decipher it. “How long ago did this happen?”

“About four years ago,” Buck answered quietly. “I jumped around from job to job before I finished training and joined the 118 last year.”

“Have you told anyone about this?” Eddie asked, moving so Buck was still sitting in-between his legs but facing him now, his dark brown eyes searching.

“No.” Buck lowered his gaze to where their hands were clasped tightly together between them. “It was a long time ago. It’s still painful to think about her but I like to imagine she’s been there, watching over me.”

“I’m sure she is, Buck.” Eddie murmured, placing a finger under Buck’s chin and gently lifting his head up until their eyes met. His brown eyes were warm and Buck never wanted to look away. “Thank you for telling me this, love. You didn’t have to.”

“I know. I wanted to.” Buck gave Eddie a wry smile. “Now you know what kind of mess you’re getting into.”

“Hey, I happen to like the mess you claim to be.” A small smile graced Eddie’s face. “I’m quite the mess myself, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

“I had, actually, now that you’re bringing it up.” Buck teased, leaning forward to press his forehead against Eddie’s. “A real hot mess.” he leaned forward, closing the space between them and capturing Eddie’s mouth in a kiss, his nightmares forgotten about, at least for the moment, but that was all he could ask.

Eddie indulged him in the kiss for a brief moment before gently pulling back, his eyes sparkling with amusement at Buck’s whine of disappointment. “Back to rest, love. Your wound may be mostly healed but your lungs still aren’t at full strength. The doctors still haven’t cleared you for…” his eyes darkened slightly. “rigorous activity.”

Buck sighed (as much as his lungs would let him) dramatically, splaying himself over Eddie’s body until they were both lying flat on the bed once again. “No fair.” he pouted.

Eddie’s chest rumbled as he chuckled and his hand threaded gently through Buck’s hair. “Come, get some rest. I know you’re exhausted—I can hear it in your voice.”

Buck hummed noncommittally, snuggling down against Eddie’s chest. He had to admit the man was right, though. He was exhausted. Whether from the nightmares or finally **_finally_** telling Eddie of the skeletons in his closet, he couldn’t say.

Eliza would be proud of him.

For not the first and hopefully not the last time, Buck drifted off to sleep with a soothing hand carding through his hair and a Spanish lullaby being hummed echoing in his ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next installment, at your guys' request! I'm so glad everyone seemed to enjoy the first part. This will probably be it for the story so I hope you guys enjoy this one as well. Though, I might decide to show Buck recovery with some domestic Eddie and Christopher content + team. Thoughts?

**Author's Note:**

> Thinking of maybe continuing this as two-shot. Would you guys be interested in seeing Buck recovering and maybe finding out about Eddie's episode after he got shot?
> 
> Let me know what you think!
> 
> Hope y'all liked it!


End file.
